The Official Joke Thread.

[Vovchandr]

An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go. Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free. Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope.

After enjoying an afternoon-long session of clandestine sex, a man and
his secretary drift off to sleep. At eight o'clock in the evening, the man wakes up in a panic.
"Baby, quick. Wake up!" he says to his secretary. :Go outside and rub my shoes through the
grass and mud while i get dressed" Mystified, she complies. After he slips on his dirty shoes, the man speeds home to confront his wife. "Where the hell have you been?" the wife screams as
soon as her husband walks through the door. "My love, i can't lie to you anymore," the man says
"I am having an affair. I was having sex with my secretary all afternoon." Seething with rage, the
wife glances down at his shoes and yells "Bullshit, you lying bastard! You've been off playing
golf again!"

An American, Australian and a Canadian are sitting in a bar. The American says "Bar Tender, give me a shot of JB". The American promptly skulls the shot, chucks the glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass mid-air. He states "In the might fine US of A we have so much of everything we never have to drink out of the same glass twice!".

The Australian orders up a shot of JB for himself, chucks the glass in the air, grabs the Americans gun and shoots the glas mid air. He says "In Australia we have so much silica and we make so much glass that we never have to drink out of the same glass twice!".

The Canadian follows suit and orders a JB. He skulls it, chucks the glass in the air, grabs the Americans gun and shoots the American. He says "In Canada we have so many f*&$^%g Americans we never have to drink with the same one twice"

__________________________

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:

SHOPPING: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

WORRY: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

BEAUTY: Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

CHANGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

BATHROOMS: The typical man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

OFFSPRING: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every few days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.

EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the total bill is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys a motorcycle and/or a Porsche and flirts with pretty young girls.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with a watch and one ring. That's it. Any more than that and he usually looks ridiculous.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time about amateur sex. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" , "Got any more beer? got big cock ? mine is bigger"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I’m going to the men’s room. Do you want to join me?"

_____________________________


Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!"


A man walks into a bar with his monkey. The man sits down at the bar. The monkey jumps up on a pool table a decides to swallow a q ball whole. The bar tender asks the man "why the hell did he do that" The man replies "i have no idea"

Next week the man returns to the bar with his monkey. They both sit at the bar. Man orders a beer and some peanuts. The monkey grabs a peanut sticks it up its ass and then proceeds to eat it. "why the hell did he do that?" asks the bar tender. The man replies "well its funny that you ask but do you remember the q ball? Well ever sence then he makes sure everything fits first"


A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

[Vovchandr]

Alright there is this kid that walks into the garage one day and
see's his father smoking a cigar so he asks his dad
"hey dad, can I have a puff off of your cigar?"
The dad replies "well son, can you touch your dick to your ass"?
The kid says no and the father goes "well there's your answer"

A week goes by and the kid see's his dad drinking a beer so he
asks him "hey dad, can I have a sip off of your beer?"
The dad replies "well son, can you touch your dick to your ass"?
The kid says no again and the father goes "well there's your answer"

Another week goes by and the kid's up in his room eatingsome milk and cookies.
The dad walks in and says "hey son, you mind if I get some of those milk and cookies?"
The son replies, "well dad, can you touch your dick to your ass"?

The father proudly replies "yes son, as a matter of fact I can"

The kid says, " good, go fuck yourself, this is my milk and cookies"




A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.



A kidnapper is dragging his captive through the dark forest.
The captive says "I'm scared!"
The kidnapper says "How do you think I feel,I've got to walk back alone!"

A sailor was deployed to the Middle East. While
he was there he received a letter from his
girlfriend,
in which she explained that she had slept with two
guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up
with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself
she had given him.
So the sailor did what any squared-away sailor
would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then
mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the
following note:
> "I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but
> please take the one that belongs to you and send the
> rest back."

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is
> > > > Basketball.
> > > >
> > > > 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level
> > > > employees is Bowling.
> > > >
> > > > 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers
> > > > is Football.
> > > >
> > > > 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is
> > > > Baseball.
> > > >
> > > > 5. The sport of choice for middle management
> > > > is Tennis.
> > > >
> > > > 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers
> > > > is Golf.
> > > >
> > > > THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
> > > >
> > > > The higher you are in the corporate structure,
> > > > the smaller your balls become.


There was an Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful lady sitting together in

a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through

a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the

carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When

the train came out of the tunnel, the lady and the Irishman were sitting as

if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as

he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed the lady and

she missed him and slapped me instead."

The lady was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and

actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes

through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot

again."


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed

through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud

voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is

watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was

frightened. Frantically, he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a

bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes",

said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your

name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you

Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

[intern8tion9l]

toooooooo muuuuuch reeeeeeeeading

[RSXTC]

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "make me one with everything".

[Vovchandr]

oh stop your bitching about reading

its a joke, on the internet, you have to read it to get it, sorry

if you dont feel like reading then what the hell are you doing on the internet?





More:

Happy & Sad

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the
husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy
and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your pecker is bigger than your brother's".


While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."




A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay, it's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!"

[intern8tion9l]

all i'm saying is that one at a time is a lot better. if everyone posted up one joke at a time it'd be fun. that being said:

a preist and a rabbi are standing on a corner when a 12 year old boy walks by. the priest says "lets fuck him!" the rabbi says "out of what?"